Tuesday, October 8, 2013

An Officer and a Dental Man

Most people assume that I’m a California native, born and bred. Maybe it’s my naturally tanned skin or the blonde highlights I’ve been sporting for years now. But the second I open my mouth, patients often ask where my accent is from.

Cue the launch into my life story. I was born in New York but raised in New Jersey. I went back to New York City for college and dental school. Then I spent a year in Connecticut for a general practice residency. My assistants have heard it so many times that, at this point, they know they can safely excuse themselves for a bathroom break without the patient even realizing that they’ve left the room.

A follow-up question inevitably ensues. “How on earth does a diehard east-coaster wind up in San Diego, of all places?”

Well, a funny thing happened on the way to graduation. I fell in love with a classmate who had committed to entering the United States Navy after finishing dental school as part of the Health Professions Scholarship Program (HPSP). We wound up getting married, completing residency programs in separate states, and then moving to San Diego together in accordance with his active duty orders.

If anyone had asked me prior to dental school if I could ever see myself as a military wife, I would probably have said, “Absolutely not!” My entire life, I had been raised and educated to believe that no woman should ever have to compromise her personal or professional goals because of a man. In fact, I had chosen to pursue dentistry largely because it afforded a significantly higher degree of independence and flexibility than many other professions. Why would I allow my husband’s job to dictate where I could live and practice, when I had worked just as hard as he had to be able to make decisions about my future?

When we first started dating, my husband was very upfront about his choice to become a commissioned Naval Officer. We discussed it at considerable length during the early phases of our relationship. The decision had been made before I (or any significant other, for that matter) had been factored into the equation. Joining the Navy at the start of dental school ensured that he would have his entire dental education paid for. At our alma mater, that is now estimated to cost more than $400,000 per student.

It also guaranteed him a full-time position as a dentist with excellent compensation and benefits, once he received his doctorate and had successfully passed a licensing exam. And it meant that he would have the opportunity to travel the world for free, experience a way of life that has only ever been glimpsed by a fraction of our society, and walk away from it all in four years, completely debt-free. How many dentists today can say the same of their careers five, ten, or even twenty years after graduation?

Naturally, I had a lot of questions as our relationship progressed. If we got married, would I be able to go with him wherever the Navy sent him? Would we be expected to live in military housing, if that option was even available? Could he potentially be sent to combat zones and put in life-threatening situations? What if he was sent to a state or country where I couldn’t practice dentistry? How would his military career affect our ability to start a family? And could we do that thing with the swords in the air at our wedding?

It took some time, but I did eventually get good answers to all of those questions. Sort of.

Yes, once we were married, I could go with him to MOST of the places that he could be sent. There are a few locations that don’t allow for the presence of dependents, but most make concerted efforts to be family-friendly. If he deployed on a ship or overseas, I definitely wouldn’t be allowed to come along, but I could potentially travel to rendezvous with him at some of the places where he would stop during his deployment. As an officer, he wouldn’t be required to live in military housing and could live off the base with his wife and kids if he chose to. And yes, if we wanted, we could pass through the Arch of Sabers at the end of our wedding ceremony.

Was there any chance that he could be called to serve in areas of active conflict? Yes, but dentists are rarely ever called to the front lines, waiting instead at hospitals located in those regions to treat soldiers who come through. I’m no military expert, but I would speculate that in the hunt for al-Qaeda, a Navy SEAL probably would prefer more experts in covert reconnaissance on his team and fewer experts in functional occlusion. As part of his training, my husband would learn to assemble and operate military weaponry, but the likelihood that he would ever be required to parachute out of a plane with a loaded rifle strapped to his back was slim to nonexistent.

When we began talking seriously about getting married and having a family, I worried about how his military commitment could adversely affect the emotional stability of our children if we chose to have kids early in our marriage. What if he deployed while I was pregnant, or was away when I gave birth and in the months that followed? Furthermore, if he decided that he wanted a long-term career as a Navy dentist, how would that affect the infrastructure of our family unit? I had been fortunate enough to grow up in a home where both my parents did everything in their power to be home for dinner every night and were actively involved in my schooling and extracurricular interests. I desperately want to give my children the best chance of having the same experience.

Here, the reality of his commitment set in. As with any member of the military in any branch of the armed forces, it is expected that certain sacrifices are to be made in the name of serving your country. Those sacrifices include time away from your loved ones mandated by an unyielding higher authority. If my husband decided to make a career out of practicing dentistry in the Navy, it would almost certainly guarantee a lifetime of raising a family that would have to become accustomed to his extended absences, a high probability of frequent relocation, and periods of spousal loneliness. When faced with the question of how to cope with these lifestyle modifications, the truth is plainly this: it’s been done before. Military families do it every day.

What would I do if he received orders to Italy or Japan? Would the Navy hire me as a civilian contractor to practice dentistry on a U.S. military base in a foreign country? Maybe. I learned long ago that in most situations—military or not— that word is synonymous with, “Don’t count on it.”

I gave that last scenario a lot of thought. What would happen if my husband’s career completely derailed mine? What if all my future aspirations had to take a backseat to his for an indeterminate stretch of time? What would I do then?

Soon after we were engaged, I spent much of my free time scouring the online forums of military spouse support groups and marriage advice websites on the Internet, trying to find a detailed, logical conclusion to steer me in the right direction.

In the end, the answer was simple. I would learn to deal with it. And if ours was a good marriage, we would figure it out as a team.

After graduation, I dropped him off in Newport, Rhode Island, where he would undergo five intensive weeks of Officer Development School (ODS) to become acclimated to naval culture before beginning his AEGD residency program. It was our first taste of separation after years of seeing each other every day in school and being able to talk to each other whenever we wanted. I hated every moment of it, and faithfully wrote him letters and postcards each day detailing how much I missed him. But after some time passed and I had started my residency, I realized that I was entirely capable of moving forward in my life and my career without him having to be physically present at every moment. It was refreshing and reassuring to know that we could both continue to grow as individuals and professionals without growing apart.

Five weeks later, I drove back out to Newport to attend his ODS graduation ceremony, one of many fine Navy traditions I have since had the pleasure of participating in. One of the speakers stood at the podium and thanked the family members who had traveled to be a part of the celebration, noting that he understood that the military’s tradition of sacrifice in the name of service extended beyond those in uniform. In his remarks, he quoted John Milton:

“They also serve, who only stand and wait.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. It was good to know that we were in this together.

Diana Nguyen, DDS


Bob Oro, DMD, MAGD said...

Loved your story.
My wife and were classmates in dental school and married just after graduation. She gave up an opportunity to go to a very prestigious general practice residency to follow me to NYC and the one residency I was accepted to. The GPR she did was no where near as well known as the one she gave up. Well 34 years later we are still wildly in love with each other and our wonderful profession.
Our son is now in third year of medical school and just finished Commissioned Officer Training for the Air Force. It is so nice to think that he will not be facing those incredibly burdensome loans that have become the norm for medical and dental students.
Wishing you the luck and happiness in your “dental marriage” that we have experienced.
Enjoy the Journey,
Bob and Debbie

DianaNguyenDDS said...

Thank you, Bob and Debbie!

It's so refreshing and reassuring to know that your "dental marriage" and both of your dental careers are thriving and well. 34 years! Wow! What's your secret??

I wish your son the best of luck in his medical studies and military career. As you can tell from my post, I had many reservations about my husband's commitment and how it would play out, but so far the experience has been eye-opening and introduced us both to some remarkable people.

Here's to the journey!

Dr. Lawrence M. said...

what a lovely sentiment. I joined the Canadian Forces to help pay my way through school. It was an incredible experience and it is how I ended up in Calgary from Toronto. I was single when I joined and single when I got out...but worth every moment.

Thanks for sharing this lovely story.
warm regards,
Larry Stanleigh

Anonymous said...

Hi Diana,

Great reading a story about an identical situation I am currently facing. My SO is Navy HPSP and is a year ahead of me in dental school. I was wondering if you could answer a few follow-up questions, as I am trying to decide what path I want to take after graduation.

- What made you decide whether or not to also join the military to practice dentistry?
-How good is the Navy about keeping you guys together?
-Did you or he request specific locations to be stationed?
-Did you consider contracting with the Navy?

Thank you!

DianaNguyenDDS said...

Dear Anonymous,

You asked some great questions! I'll do my best to answer your questions as succinctly as possible..

- Although I was encouraged several times (by my husband and others) to consider joining the military, I made the decision not to because I believe very strongly that joining any branch of the armed forces should first be motivated by a desire to serve your country. My husband really identified with the Navy's mission, grew up with an interest in the military, and had a grandfather who served in the Navy as well. Though there are clear benefits to Navy HPSP, the service and commitment didn't speak to me in the same way it spoke to him.

- Unless my husband is assigned to some remote location (Diego Garcia is one, there might be a couple more on that list that I haven't heard of), spouses and children can accompany officers to wherever they're assigned. However, if your SO is put on a ship (my husband was, and most are at the beginning of their Navy HPSP payback time), then wherever the ship goes, your SO must go too. Right now, my husband is on a ship that is homeported in San Diego, meaning it comes back to San Diego when it's not deployed (months-long trip overseas, making stops at various countries) or underways (shorter trips, possibly weeks at a time). Because he's an officer (and not enlisted), we're allowed to live in an apartment in the city by ourselves. The underway schedule can change at any time - as in, sometimes he'll come home and say "Well, that week of training out at sea the ship was supposed to do just got canceled/moved up/moved back" - and deployment dates can always change, but in general we have a good idea of when we'll be together and when he's be away.

- He was allowed to submit a list of places he would prefer to be assigned, and his detailer was accommodating as could be. However, openings vary from year to year, so there's no guarantee that there will be any openings in any of the places you want.

- I did try to find a civilian contractor job, and even found one posting online right before we moved to California. I applied and never heard back. Oh well :O

I hope this helped!


Anonymous said...


I really appreciated your blog; thanks so much for taking the time to share!

So I'm beginning a relationship with a dental student, about to start his 1 year of residency next year, and then give 4 years to the navy for his HSP scholarship. I'll admit I'm kind of scared for what the future holds. I'm starting a 3 year residency in Arizona for my medical degree, and so we'll be far apart for several years. A price I'm willing to pay for a secure financial future and because I do like him a lot.... but it's a little scary. I've never done well with uncertainty.

My question is, as part of the navy, is there a chance he'd be deployed to a combat zone? Was your husband every deployed? I know people in the army tend to do that, but I'm not sure about the navy. More than anything, I just want him to be safe.

Any thoughts, encouragement, or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!


Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I have been looking for advice online, and your post was most helpful thus far. My boyfriend is entering his final year of dental school. We are making plans for engagement and marriage after four years together. We are debating the timing for our wedding. He is applying for a residency, and thus we don't yet have an assignment. We are afraid to set a date for a wedding, put down a deposit, and find he will be unable to attend our wedding due to navy scheduling changes once he gets assigned to a post.
I would greatly appreciate you taking the time to provide advice on the following questions.

1. Should we wait for his assignment to be finalized to set a date? Can he even ask for a weekend off to get married? I assume at some point he can be issued time off, but I assume its a "process".
2. Is the navy more likely to place a dentist on a ship if he is unmarried? Is waiting increasing the chance that ship is our first experience? (should he not chose residency year)
3. Was the residency year beneficial educationally for your husband?

Thank you for your willingness to share your story, the start of becoming a military wife is daunting, a challenge and guidance is much appreciated.

DianaNguyenDDS said...

Dear Lisa and Anonymous,

I am so, so, SO terribly sorry for not replying to your posts sooner. I fell off the grid last year with regards to this blog due to some personal/family issues that demanded more of my attention and the AGD has stopped forwarding me questions and replies to my blogs (there's no auto-notification feature that alerts me that a reply has been posted, either). I hope that you were able to find answers to your questions if they were time-sensitive. That being said, if you - or anyone else out there reading this! - are still looking for insight, here's my two cents:

1. From what my husband and I have been told - and what he and his fellow Naval Officers have experienced - it is not likely that your significant other, as a general dentist, would find himself in a "combat zone" i.e. a boots on the ground, face-to-face with danger, situation. However, it is possible that while on deployment, his ship may enter waters/territory that aren't exactly friendly, but the crew on the ship is well-equipped to respond and navigate if that is the case.
2. My husband wound up never having to deploy; he arrived in San Diego just as the ship he was assigned to was returning from a long deployment and was to undergo several months of repairs/renovation/inspections, then was transferred to another Navy dental clinic in San Diego right before the ship deployed again. This is extremely rare! However, he did participate in "underways" trips in which the ship and its crew train in the months leading up to the actual deployment, which meant that a few months before the ship deployed, he would go with his crew on the ship for 1-4 weeks at a time and they would run through training exercises on the water. The first time he went underways, I missed him terribly! But it got easier because I was busy with my own career and I used the time while he was away to make plans with my own friends, travel, and work on solo projects (like this blog!).

1. Yes, I'd wait to set a date if you can. We got married while we both were in residency (GPR in Connecticut for me, 1-year AEGD in Illinois for him). I believe that technically you can be granted something like 72 hours off to get married (don't quote me on this, but I remember this being a part of our conversation on this very topic) but my husband and I wound up taking off the Friday before we got married, wedding on Saturday, left for honeymoon on Monday, came back on Saturday, and he flew back to his residency on Sunday.
2. Marital status carries little to no weight when it comes to where you are assigned. You DO get to indicate what your top choices of location would be. He was originally assigned to a different ship, but his detailer (the person who makes the assignment decisions) was kind enough to call him when an opening came up in San Diego because the detailer remembered that he had expressed a strong interest in California. Pray you get a nice detailer and be extra nice to whomever that is!
3. Email me diananguyen [dot] dds [at] gmail [dot] com and I'll be happy to go into this in more detail... there's not enough room to cover everything you'd be interested to know!

Thanks everyone for continuing to read... I promise I'll be back with more posts soon!

Diana Nguyen, DDS, FPFA


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