Abnormalities, Volume I

Greetings,

I have decided to give back to dentistry today. For several years, I have run across certain patient conditions that I couldn’t seem to find in the text books. So, as a gift to my fellow dentists, I am going to share my data and findings with you. This will save you all years of research.

You’re welcome.

Monoswallow Phobia
The fear of swallowing your own saliva. These patients need to hold the saliva ejector themselves to immediately suction the first drop of saliva.

Cranial-Position Unawareness
Patients that have this problem can’t seem to put their heads in the center of the head rest. You need to grab the head very gently, and slowly move it to the center for them.

Immedia-P Syndrome
Having to use the restroom immediately when called back.

Ba-Dum-Bump Condition
Everything they say is a one-liner from a comedy club. “Hey Doc, what time is it? Tooth hurty?” Ba-dum-bump.

False Groanification Illness
Involves groaning for no apparent reason. When these patients are asked if something hurts, they say no.

Communication Acknowledgment Denier
Also known as CAD. This patient acknowledges all facets of treatment while in the operatory, but denies knowing anything when at the front desk.

Dento-Podiatry Substitution Disorder
These people get confused about where they are, and take their shoes off to get dental work done.

Directional Proprioceptive Hyperactivity Syndrome
It only takes the slightest touch on either side of the mouth, and their head cranks 90 degrees in that direction. “Listen, I am going to be pulling on your cheek, but I want you to keep your head straight.”

Intermittent Financial Obligation Amnesia
Seems to strike only when the patient is expected to pay after treatment is completed. Wallets and purses were mysteriously left at home on appointment day.

Delay-P Syndrome
Similar to Immedia-P, except they wait until they reach the dental chair before they have to use the restroom.

Delusional Relationship Disorder
Patients who inappropriately address the doctor by their first name to insinuate a closer personal relationship than they have. Some people who suffer from this actually have a memory of growing up with the doctor.

I certainly hope this first volume of maladies makes it easier for you to interact with your patients.

Have a great week,

Scott Jackson, DMD, MAGD